Thankfulness Thursday

Isn't it amazing how fast the time goes once the school year starts? It becomes a cyclone of alarm clocks, homework, meetings, extracurricular activities….Then Friday rolls around and it still doesn't stop. Everything moves so fast, the next week sort of sneaks up on you to start the whole process again. Fortunately, Gus is adjusting pretty well.

This week, I am thankful:

1. That Gus, although he's been a little up and down at school, has had at least two solidly good days. For the second time, this week, he completed all of his independent work without any prompting. It might seem like a small thing, but being able to complete tasks is one of his biggest challenges in school. The fact that he's starting off the year showing that it can be done is amazing.
   
2. That Gus is learning to type this year. As I mentioned when I blogged about his Annual Review, Gus will be allowed to use a word processor for at least part of his statewide exams this spring. That access is important because, while his handwriting has improved enormously, it is still often illegible and overcrowded. Plus, it takes him a very long time to write things out, and it's very tiring. During yesterday's visit to the class, I got to see the typing software he's using (which is kind of old so I don't think I'll be able to get a copy for home) is lots of fun. There are 'missions' that look like some of the old-school video games (like Space Invaders of Gallaga) that I can see have great appeal for him. When the missions are completed, random historical facts pop up. That has his name written all over it. If I can get the name of the software from his teacher, I'll update with it.
   
3. That I finally swallowed all anxiety and went ahead to register My Autism Insights as its own domain. Once I have the site up and running, I have some exciting plans down the pike! I'll probably transfer the content of this blog over there and then will just pick up where I leave off. In other words, you should have access to all the old posts as well as new material. So keep an eye out, and I hope you'll stay with me as My Autism Insights continues growing!
   

What are you thankful for this week?

Those Dreaded Questions

Hello readers! We've been out of contact for a little while for various reasons including a camping vacation. Life is starting to settle back into a routine as school approaches.

Speaking of school, we all know that the time will come when our children will have questions about topics that I, for one, don't particularly want to have to answer. Death, sex, why am I so different from everyone else...who actually looks forward to informing their kids about these things? Maybe lots of people look forward to these discussions, but I'm not one of them. Last night after Gus's bath this was the conversation that took place:

"What are these called?"

"Those are called testicles."

"What's in them?"

"Hmm...you know, that's really a good question for you to ask Daddy, since he has them too!...Daddy!"

Yeah, call me a wuss. I totally punked out of that one. So, DH came in and Gus started asking questions, that went fine until DH explained that testicles are involved with reproduction, "making babies," he clarified. "There are seeds in them."

"But I thought only women carried babies in their tummies."

"Uhh..."

At that point I had a compulsion to read MM her bedtime story and got out of there as soon as my legs would carry me. It's a good thing I remembered to open the door first or else I would have looked like a Loony Toon (but perhaps I looked that way anyway).

Later, I asked DH how he handled the questions. Apparently, Gus was pretty satisfied with testicles being some sort of seed machine and moved on to asking what was in his knee joints and where rashes come from. Maybe there isn't a need to panic just yet, but I've had a gentle reminder that the day is coming sooner than I thought. I'd better start getting some answers ready.

How have you handled, or how do you plan to handle, those uncomfortable topics with your child?

Thursday Thankfulness: Having Trouble Telling Time

Our summer schedule, or rather lack of schedule, makes it very hard for me to keep track of days. Add in an early week camping trip instead of a weekend trip along with a holiday weekend - I'm all jumbled. I actually forgot that yesterday was Thursday!

My thanks:

• I am thankful that I finally got the tick head from behind Gus's ear without having to drag him to the doctor. It's all healed up and he was even okay when I had to remove a few deer ticks from him during our camping trip. I swear the tick population is ridiculous right now! Which leads to my next point...
• I am thankful I finally know the right way to remove ticks and that I learned it before our trip. Between all of us, we found eight of them - all deer ticks. But we found them before they could get too attached, so it was all good.
• I am thankful that neither of the kids got lost or hurt during our trip although Gus kept wandering down into the woods without us and both kids started learning to chop small branches of wood with hatchets (under full adult supervision). They're really maturing, and I'm starting to see signs of an emerging 'tween in Gus. He's not there yet, but there's the tiniest hint of defiance and independence lurking below the surface. It's making me a little nervous!
• I am thankful that we got two glorious days for our trip despite warnings of thunderstorms. We got a nasty downpour our last night, but it was after we had already cooked dinner, and it was relatively short-lived. My father-in-law made an amazing fire that totally withstood the deluge, and our tent held up in its first test against bad weather. The best part: around 8:00 the rain stopped (I wish the kids had been awake) and we saw a magnificent rainbow. Its colors were brilliant against the steely gray backdrop, and the full arc was clearly visible instead of just a portion of it. "Miraculous" would be an appropriate description. That band of color in the sky was the perfect ending to our day.

Hopefully, I will get my act together as we move into a better routine. In the meanwhile, what are you thankful for this week?

The Autistic Child and Social Functions – Preparation is the Key to Success

Social functions can be a nightmare for parents of a child with autism (and for the child for that matter). But they don't have to be. With enough planning and preparation, your child can attend those functions with relatively few problems. Yesterday, we took Gus to an engagement party for a good friend of ours. I'll be honest – I had a knot in my stomach from last week until well after we had gotten to the party, which had about 50 or so people present and is usually a recipe for disaster. But he did just fine. Now, let me point out that Gus's age and the amount of education and behavioral training he's received for the last 6 years made a big difference. If we had taken him to a similar party 3 years ago, we would have had a much different experience. So the first thing to consider is where your child is developmentally. If you can realistically give your child a 50/50 chance of success, then go for it. But if you know your child is just really not ready to stretch his wings, maybe it's best to wait.

Know and Prepare the Environment

I almost never take Gus to places that are completely foreign to us. If we're going to a new place, like yesterday, I do some homework ahead of time to get an idea of what he can get into and what we'll be dealing with. We knew about how many people would be attending the party and that the number was likely more than he could manage, so a few conversations with our friend solved that problem. He very kindly agreed to set up a game system for Gus away from the party area so that Gus wouldn't be overwhelmed. We also knew that the area was not fenced in (we had to be on alert that he could elope very easily), and that there would be 2 dogs outside. This prior knowledge allowed us to plan for two major issues ahead of time. Our friend also let his family (our hosts) know about Gus's challenges, and that was a big help because there was less pressure on us about offending the hosts by being upstairs most of the time (for the most part one of us was at the party at any given time – more on that later). I think it was helpful for them as well because it took the guesswork out of why that little boy was holed up in that room, or why he kept running laps around the house before going back up to the room, or why we had to be so on-top of him. I have found that when we are up front with people about Gus's situation, they have tended to be understanding and helpful. Sometimes they still don't get it, but since our friend knows Gus pretty well, he knew exactly what we would be dealing with.

Prepare Yourself and Your Child

We did a few things to prep Gus about the party. For one thing, he had some choices about what we would bring for him and whether or not we'd go to soccer first or just skip it (we skipped). We gave him plenty of time to get used to the idea that there would be dogs and reassured him about that. On the trip there, as we usually do, we went over the rules and expectations. For ourselves, we made sure we had plenty of snacks, movies and games to keep him busy. We also use a sort of tag—team system for these situations to share the responsibility of watching the kids. You may have wondered where MM was in all this. Although she is 'neurotypical' we still prepare her the same way we prepare Gus. But she usually can be given a little more freedom, and she spent most of the party making friends with the other kids and playing outside. So we kept switching off – one of us would stay with Gus and the other would mingle and keep an eye on MM. Gus even ventured out several times to walk around and then went back to his game. Neither of us was being too rude and each got to enjoy the party a little.

Use the Objects of Obsession to Your Advantage

When deciding what to bring to keep Gus entertained it was really a no-brainer, but I'll mention it anyway. We brought a bunch of games, and our friend brought his Wii, but there was no way we were leaving the Pokémon games behind. We could have made the mistake of just letting Gus play whatever Wii games our friend had, but thankfully, we didn't. Gus got frustrated with the new games, and if that was all we had to work with, we would have had a major problem. With the Pokémon game, however, he was more than happy to play it for most of the 5 hours we were there (yes, you read that number right – I was surprised we lasted that long too). I was even able to leave him alone for a few minutes at a time to get him food or to check on the party.

Be Flexible and Know When to Call it Quits

For people on the spectrum, it can take more energy to regulate themselves that for the average person, and Gus is no different. We always have to be aware of when his reserves of self-control are starting to slip. What I've learned is that when I see those signs, we have to go and people just have to understand. We used to try to stay until at events until it was 'polite' to leave – usually after dessert, but that is a good way to ask for a meltdown. Better to cut the losses – people appreciate not having a scene much more than having you eat dessert, I think. As I mentioned before, Gus wanted to go outside every now and them and for the most part, he stuck to the rule of staying at the party. But when I saw that he didn't want to sit and eat, and then started wandering into the next property, I knew he was done. As much as I hate to 'eat and run' that's pretty much what we did, because he can lose it pretty quickly. By the time I was getting him to the car, he'd started struggling with me to start running around, and he'd stopped listening. Staying, at that point, would have been dumb on our parts (which I know from first hand experience).

Even the Way We Party Isn't Typical Anymore

So we've had to make some refinements to the way we socialize when we take the kid with us. We can't just go to a party and hang out with friends while the kids run around and entertain themselves. But whereas we used to just take them places and be miserable chasing after a very wound up Gus, we're learning how to make the situation more manageable for everyone. And as he grows and matures, he's able to handle more for longer periods of time. Yesterday, he even petted and played with the dogs once he saw how calm and well-behaved they were. It's gotten better. We're still not ready for Disney World, but give us another few years.

*painting by Albert Chevalier Tayler

The Gift Beneath the Mother's Day Present

Last Thursday, Gus's school had a plant sale for Mother's Day. I gave him $20 and told him he could spend up to $5 on whatever he wanted if he saw something he liked. That afternoon, he came home with a 2 foot tall plant - a tomato plant to be precise - and handed it to me along with change. If you've read about our past adventures with tomato plants, you'll understand the deep significance of such a gift.

I wrote a note to his teacher the next day to find out if someone had perhaps suggested to him that it might be nice to replace the (now completely dead) tomato plant we were trying to grow. Nope. He picked out the plant all on his own (and by the way, stayed within his budget, which is something I probably would not have done).

What has this told me? Gus may not be meeting some of the social goals on his IEP, but the work and social skills training that happens every day, here and at school, are getting through to him. I always knew that he had empathy, but he's also learning to be considerate of others and to correct his mistakes. I told a friend about my gift and she mused that many grown men - even the neurotypical ones - wouldn't have been so considerate.

So as sweet as the plant was, I really loved the deeper gift of knowing that Gus really is gaining those skills that he'll need to function in the world. It's been a struggle and there will be many, many more struggles, but a plant showed me a sign that all the hardship has never been for nothing. Every day he gets a little better, grows a little more, and I think he's going to be all right.