Thursday Thankfulness

Hello, world! School's just about to wrap up its second week and we're finally starting to get into some sort of routine. Here's what I'm appreciating today:

I am thankful:

1. That Gus has had a really good first full week. At least half of every day, his teacher reports that he's been 'on.' One day this week, he even finished his independent work independently! This has been virtually unheard of, so it is a big deal. Great way to start off the year, dude!

2. That our new kitten is assimilating into our family and our household routine. I think he may be helpful for Gus, who was totally focused on him the first day he was home. Gus gets a little jumpy when the kitten is feeling particularly pouncy, but he's been petting him, playing with him a little and even allowing the kitty in his room before bed or in the morning. I think they'll be great friends.

3. That with both kids in school full days, I am getting a lot accomplished during the day. I've been able to get better work hours, and when I'm not working, I've been developing a project I've been sitting on for weeks. These longer days are also allowing me to do something that feels a little foreign: relax. Every day for about an hour, I just chill out - no errands, no work, no writing...it's quite nice.

So that's my gratitude this week. What are you thankful for today? Have a great one!

Thankfulness...Day

Instead of making excuses every week for why I keep missing Thursdays, let's just agree that I'll post a thankfulness list at some point every week. Really, I don't want to keep boring you with my memory issues.

This week:

• I am thankful that although my husband contracted Lyme disease, he caught it very early and was being treated even before his blood work was back. It's nice when medical professionals are on the ball. In a similar vein, I am thankful that my friend J's doctors are also on the ball right now and hope that she gets a speedy resolution to the problems she's currently suffering. Here's to hoping they both feel much better very soon.
• I am thankful that my marriage will get to see its 10th anniversary tomorrow and that I'll get to see my *** birthday on Sunday! You didn't really think I'd be silly enough to post my age? Anyway, we're going camping (and packing LOTS of bug spray) this weekend to celebrate, so I'll be extra thankful if the sky decides not to spit on us.
• I am thankful that I have learned to exercise restraint, especially when people are picking on Gus. Snotty neighborhood kid felt the need to go out of his way to antagonize Gus, who was minding his business and riding his bike in a friend's parking lot while MM and a few other kids were playing with sidewalk chalk. Snotty rode up with another little boy (who never says anything to start trouble) and called something to Gus that I didn't hear. I gave him the benefit of the doubt that he was trying to get Gus to ride with them. Of course, Gus didn't respond in any typical way, and rode between then saying in a mock scared voice, "Aaah! Don't crash into me!" He was trying to play with them. Getting no response, he rode away. Now, Snotty could have just left it at that and gone on with his business. He could have even shook his head (it's not the first time Gus has exhibited confusing behavior) and kept his mouth shut. But no, instead he turns to the other kid and says, loudly enough for me & Gus to both hear, "What's wrong with Gus??" You know the tone. This, by the way, is the same kid who once asked Gus why he was crazy. He has absolutely no interest in being Gus's friend, and I know this because most of the time he acts like Gus isn't even there, just like all the other boys his age in the area.
  
  So, I didn't hurl a bike at the kid like some incredible She-Hulk. I walked over to him calmly and said, "Snotty,* you know I like you, but I heard what you said and if I hear you say something like that again about Gus, I'm going to tell your dad, because it's not nice." Not the strongest statement in the world, but he's only 8 -- I couldn't be but so harsh. And we both knew his dad would not be pleased to hear about that behavior. He knew he was wrong and honestly wasn't being completely respectful to me when I was speaking, but I didn't get all crazy about it. Hopefully, he'll heed the warning and just stay clear of my son. The dad would attempt to discipline, but the mom would just counter whatever dad does and further reinforce Snotty's behavior. I'd rather not have to spend the summer feuding with neighbors. We'll see what happens.

So that's our story this week. What are you thankful for? Have a great weekend, be safe and be healthy!



*Snotty's name has been changed to protect his identity, but also because I think it's a more appropriate name than his real one.

Small Groups

Eons ago, in another life when I taught high-school aged kids, I learned that children with certain learning styles (kinesthetic and tactile) tended to do much better in small group activities (groups of 2 or 3). I notice that this holds true for Gus. In large groups of peers, as when we are hanging out in the neighborhood, he gravitates away from the large number of kids, and it ends up being a situation where we are corralling him more than anything else. Not enjoyable for us or for him.

Yesterday, we skipped the neighborhood scene (at the last minute we were invited to a beach party with the neighbors - probably at least 8-11 kids) and went to my cousin's as planned. There were about 5 other children playing together and wow! what a difference in Gus. He still needed some redirection at times, but it was one of the most enjoyable Independence Days that I can remember with him. He played with his friends. He and MM were having such a good time we were able to stay until well past their bedtime; usually we leave right after dinner before they start getting overwhelmed. We got home around 9:30 - heck, that's almost past my bedtime!

The company clearly made a difference as well. There was a level of relaxation and acceptance that is almost non-existent when all the neighborhood kids are together. It's as if Gus doesn't exist. Who wants to do all the work of engaging this kid who always talks to himself when there are so many other, less strange, playmates around? I'm grateful that they aren't outwardly mean to him, at least most of them aren't most of the time - there are comments now and again. But unless there are small numbers, he is rarely, if ever, part of the crowd.

Gus separated himself from the kids yesterday at times, too, but it was more like he just needed breaks. When he rejoined them, he was accepted with no problem. It was just a lovely, laid back, enjoyable day.

How was your 4th?



*image by Katori Suigo via WikiTravel.

Asperger's Q & A

A commenter had some questions for me, and instead of responding just in a comment, I thought I'd post the answer here in case anyone else was interested. I may do this periodically if anyone's got a question that requires more than a couple of lines of reply.

Q: How old was Gus when you found out about him? Did you know before he was born? I ask this because I don't know how you learned to be so good with handling him. Was it all learning as he aged?

A: Gus was about eighteen months old when we noticed that he wasn't taking much interest in other children. I'd pick him up from day care and see him at one end of the play yard while the rest of the class was at the opposite end. At home when we'd take him to the park, he'd always gravitate away from other children. That was what gave us the first inkling that something was different about him. However, he had sensitivities right from birth. He was always hyper-alert and extremely sensitive to noise. I'm sure plenty of people thought I was a complete, overprotective psycho the way I insisted on total silence when I was trying to get him to sleep, but it was necessary. He was always fidgety and in constant motion - it's largely the way he processes information. Things like fine motor development were delayed, but since he was my first child, I had no point of comparison. I didn't think of anything as 'problematic' until that toddler stage. Another thing that tipped us off around that time was that Gus had been acquiring language and vocabulary at a remarkable rate, but then he stopped for a while. That was the point when we started to see a lot of tantrums, and I started having trouble managing his behavior. But once he got into Early Intervention and was given some communication tools, the meltdowns became much less of an issue. So to answer that part of the question, we didn't know anything before Gus was born, there were signs almost immediately after he was born, but we didn't definitively know that he'd need some special help until he was about 2.

As for handling him (I'm not sure I always handle him so well), it's all been a learning process, and I've had a great deal of help. One thing that made a big difference for us was that my husband and I made the decision that I would spend the majority of my time at home with Gus (and later MM). This allowed me to really learn who he is and how to meet his needs. In addition to that, we've been very lucky with the professionals who have worked with Gus from teachers to pediatricians to therapists. When Gus was in his uncommunicative stage, a parent trainer (social worker from our school district) worked with me to help me manage my own reactions to his behavior. The support of family and friends has been a great help, and the network of autism bloggers I've come across over the past few years has been wonderful resource for information and support as well. So I can't take all the credit for learning how to deal with the challenges of Asperger's - it's been a real group effort, and I'm always refining my approach because my amazing boy changes constantly.

I hope that answers the question! If you have questions or would like to share similar experiences with your child, please feel free to chime in! Have a great weekend!

Thankful It's Thursday

Because that means tomorrow is Friday! I had my post all mapped out in my head, and I really should have written it first thing this morning. But fear not - I think I can capture the essence of what I am thankful for today!

1. I am thankful that my sister-in-law and brother-in-law have safely completed their trek up Machu Picchu! I would have never told them before they left, but I was a little worried. Fortunately for me, I have learned to keep a lid on my anxiety over other people's activities, especially my own kids'. I'm sure many parents can relate to that!

How many times do we watch our kids doing something that we would swear is nothing short of lethal (like getting on the school bus in the morning) and swallow all our fears lest we raise a paranoid kid? The parenting manual said two paranoid people per family is the standard allowance. As our kids get older, and their activities get more dangerous (no way am I ever allowing my kids behind the wheel of anything bigger than a Tonka truck), it gets harder to keep our doom-mongering to ourselves, but we do it anyway. Last night I told my daughter I'd be walking her to the bus stop when she's a grown-up (she thought I was joking). And here's how I envision life with Gus a few short years from now:

My words: Maybe you should do that outside in case it spills? And put down some newspaper...remember to clean up when you're done! Have fun, honey!
My thoughts: He's going to mix those things together, blow up the neighborhood, and Boom! here comes the zombie apocalypse. And I just swept!

His words: I said I'd clean up, Mom! Stop nagging!
His thought: She probably thinks I'm going to cause a zombie apocalypse or something. I wonder if that could happen? Nah, she would have said something. Can't have zombies eating Mom's brains - who'd clean up the mess? What did those instructions say again?

I give the parentals-in-law lots of credit for not stifling SIL's adventurous spirit. Despite some mishaps, which apparently included a monsoon, the world travellers are safely in a Peruvian hotel chillin' out. Yay!

2. I am thankful for laughter and for things that make my kids laugh because kid laughter is just the best. Last night I was reading Gus a book about the Klondike Gold Rush [Gold in the Hills: A tale of the Klondike Gold Rush (Time Spies) by Candace Ransom], and some of the characters had some pretty hilarious names like Old Pancake and Blueberry Pete. Of course, any eight-year-old boy worth his salt will crumble into gales of giggles over names like that. Laughs before bed are always a good deal! I've decided that Gus will have to be renamed Pokemon Gus and I think I will probably end up with a name like Old Chocolate Chip.

3. I am thankful for Gus's art teacher! He came home yesterday with some amazing artwork

including a kente cloth he made, a stained glass painting and a Cezanne styled, textured landscape made (I think) on a plastic bag, which is going to have to go in a frame. Since Gus never draws or paints or anything at home (his choice) I never realized just how talented he is artistically. She's done a great job in bringing that out in him!

What are you thankful for today? Share it here in a comment and have a great day!



Disclosure: This post contains an affiliate link.

Thursday Thankfulness and A New Layout

Hello all! Notice anything new? I've been toying with my layout this morning - what do you think?

Today I am thankful for:

1. Three Column Blogger for a wonderfully easy tutorial on adding a third column to a Blogger blog. I'm definitely a DIY type of person so I was thrilled that I could do this on my own. I'm hoping to add in some tabbed pages as well for blogrolls, just to keep things tidy. I'm feeling quite accomplished this morning!
2. I am thankful for being so slow to throw things out. This morning, hidden in the invoice from my last tea order, I found a sample of a tea blossom from Adagio teas. It's whole leaf tea wrapped around a little flower. Aside from being quite good, I can't express the entertainment value of one of those things! It had to steep for 5 minutes; BOTH my kids stood still for at least 3 of those minutes watching it unfold. Completely mesmerizing. I may order some just for those days when everyone is bouncing off the walls! Conversely, I am thankful that we have the bulk dumpster this week because I got rid of some things I've been dying to throw out. It may take me a while, but getting rid of clutter is sure liberating.
3. I am thankful for the creativity and insight of Gus & MM's aunts and uncles (even if they don't realize just how creative and insightful they are). I almost never give very useful guidance as to what to get the kids for their birthdays or holidays, etc., yet our extended family members always come up with the most awesome things. Some of the big hits lately have been: an anatomy game called Skeletons in the Closet and a 14' jump rope. Why were these great gifts? Well, Aspies tend to be great learners and fond of facts. So educational games or books often go over well. Uncle C, who gave the kids the Skeletons game, has also hit home runs with animal encyclopedias, a globe, and a book about the Way Things Work. The jump rope is just plain fun, but also good for developing coordination and generally getting in some exercise. Jumping also provides sensory input for those kids who need it. So, my sister gets props for that one!
   

What toys or games are your favorites for kids on the spectrum?

Thursday Thankfulness and Tomato Plant Update

I can't believe it's already Thursday! As the weather gets warmer, time seems to speed up - why is that? Anyway, on to thankfulness!

Today I am thankful for:

1. New furniture that my in-laws have so generously given us. Gus is particularly fond of the new club chairs that he can curl up in and get lots of sensory input apparently. Hopefully, the arms of the chair are strong enough to withstand his affection. The new dining table is large enough that I can sit right next to him during homework without feeling squished. The proximity is good for him; the space is good for me. Win-win situation all around.
2. I am thankful that my kids are so environmentally conscious! MM wanted to do a neighborhood clean-up for Earth Day, so we got our gloves and bags and cleaned up the playground...in the rain...massive allergy attack followed.... But it was well worth it! Nature seems to be very soothing to many kids on the autism spectrum or with ADHD. I recently published an article at Bright Hub about a study that showed how a 20 minute nature walk increased the ability to focus. So, if protecting this precious resource has the added effect of making homework easier, I'll do it, even if it means having my head feeling like a balloon.
3. I am thankful that tomorrow is Friday and it's supposed to be a beautiful day. If it dries out enough I might be able to breathe! The down side of warm weather is that Gus's allergies and eczema seem to be causing more sensory-seeking than normal. But I think, like me, he'll take it over being cooped up in cold weather. We're just going to have to stock up on allergy medication!
4. And a bonus since I seem to have missed last Thursday: I am thankful that both my kids got stellar report cards and Gus is finally showing some progress in his IEP goals! It was getting a little depressing seeing the No-Progress marks. They have gotten the High School Musical 3 DVD as a reward and we'll be taking them to see a children's theater performance of Robin Hood over the weekend.

Oh! And the tomato plant seems to be rallying slowly but surely! The second shoot is greener and seems to be growing a little. So, I'm grateful for that too! What are you thankful for today? Please share in a comment!

Lack of Empathy?

It is commonly said that people with autism or Asperger's lack empathy for others. I disagree. This strikes me as an oversimplification. I know of many cases of Autistics or Aspies showing empathy and/or concern for the people who are important to them. If they don't show empathy for strangers, well, I can point to many people without diagnoses who do that. Just look at the number of people who walk by the homeless as if they are ghosts.

As I write this I have one of the worst headaches I've had in a long while. I've had to keep my right eye closed for much of the afternoon and evening - that seems to help, along with sitting still and not bending. Migraine, sinus headache, eye strain? Who knows? I don't really care. The point is it hurts like a mutha.

After his bath, Gus was a little energetic and climbing on me as usual. I normally don't mind, but 'noggins' (soft head-butts) and having him generally anywhere near my face was just painful. So I said, "Mommy has a headache and I need you to be still."

He grabbed the sides of my face, gently and laid my head against his chest. That was unexpected, but very sweet. Then he kissed the top of my head and stroked my hair. Yes, he really did. Empathy, compassion, care giving...and I could see him doing the same for his sister or father or grandparents or aunts, uncles, cousins....

He may not kiss a stranger on the street on the top of their head, but he would notice a homeless person in the street as a person and not a ghost. Makes you wonder about the definitions or these 'criteria' and 'symptoms.'

Speaking of symptoms, I should probably go and close my eyes. Have a great night and a great holiday if you celebrate one!

Ritualistic Behaviors and Genetics

image from Wikimedia Commons

God (or Goddess or who or whatever you believe is calling the shots) has a sense of humor. I am convinced of this for many reasons, but today I think it is because when Gus was being formed in my tummy, God decided to take every quirk - from me, my husband, my parents, his parents, even our cats - and pile them into the boy who became known as Gus. No wonder the kid wakes up so often in a giggling fit - it's pretty amusing. We've got to be the poster people for why autism is a mainly genetic condition. I think we could also make a pretty good case for how some of the behaviors that are considered to be 'odd' in people with autism, may be more normal than the typically developed world wants to admit. If I had a dollar for each of the stimming behaviors I've seen in 'typically developed' people...well, I've never actually had such a large sum of money to handle, but I'll bet I could do a lot. Maybe pay off the national debt.

One of the things I seem to have in common with Gus is a reliance on rituals. Ritualistic behaviors - following the same patterns without deviation - are common to people with autism. But I think to a certain degree, they may not be all that uncommon to people without the autism diagnosis. I suppose it's all a matter of relativity and degree, like everything else.

When Gus was a baby we lived in a 2 story building at the back of a U-shaped courtyard. It was a pain when we had to lug groceries or laundry down the long walkway, but it turned out to be a huge boon once Gus was mobile since he had a long way to run before he could reach the road. Every time we went out, he'd take off down the path. But he didn't go straight into the road; there was a mammoth tree if he veered to the left a little, which he almost always did. Down the path, around the tree...One day, after MM was born (so I was significantly slowed with an infant) Gus snuck out of the apartment, out of the building and down the path wearing nothing but a diaper. By the time I caught up, I was frantic (he is frighteningly fast when he wants to be). But my neighbor had snagged him. He was sitting very calmly under his tree. If he ever varied his pattern, I can count the number of times on one hand. We lived there until he was 5 - that's a long time to repeat a ritual.

I also have some rituals that some people might consider strange. The one that got me on this train of thought was the way I prepare my tea. I drink a lot of tea and I am very particular with the way it's made. I tend to use the same mug because the size of the mug is important - it affects the amount of tea, sugar, lemon and water needed. I must have the precise amount of sugar - 1 teaspoon plus one packet of Stevia - and a sliver of lemon (about half an inch thick). I use loose tea, so since my mug is 16 oz. I use 2 teaspoons, and yes, I measure with an actual measuring spoon that I have only for measuring my tea. The sugar, Stevia and lemon (in that order almost always) go in the mug first. The only time I add these things after the water is when I go to a diner because they are deviant and always insist on bringing me a mug of water instead of just a pot of water and an empty mug so I can make my tea properly! I try not to be bitter about it. Back when I used tea bags, I used to let my tea sit for a long time before drinking it because I don't like it too hot. Now I set a timer because I learned I was over-steeping my tea. See? I can be flexible about this. But not much.

The point is that if my tea is not made just so, I may not be thrilled with it, it may dampen the experience for me, but I can drink it without getting too upset. When Gus's current routine of watching Arthur the minute he walks through the door is changed (like it was during pledge time for PBS) he gets very upset. And therein lies the distinction. It's all a matter of degrees.

Sometimes these rituals are useful. Our bedtime ritual makes it possible for Gus to go to sleep very easily. But if we deviate from the ritual, it can be a problem. I used to teach an evening yoga class on Monday nights. Every Monday night, DH would have a hard time getting Gus to go to bed because he spent a long time getting up to look for me. Double edged blades those rituals. They help me to remember things that my overextended brain would otherwise forget, Unfortunately, if I alter the routine at all I can really screw myself up.

Last week it was a nice day and I changed my normal pattern by going for a bike ride in the middle of the afternoon before I had to pick up my neighbor's daughter and then Gus. Usually I don't leave the house at that time because I generally chain myself to my computer screen. Everything was fine - I got back from my ride in plenty of time to put my bike away, grab a quick drink of water, put my keys and ID away, lock up and head out to the bus stop. Did you catch that? Good for you because I didn't until I reached in my pocket and realized that the keys were still hanging on the hook and I was locked out. Yeah, changing the pattern is not usually a good thing for me.

Some people think that the ritualistic behaviors should be stopped. While there is certainly something to be said for helping your autistic child gain some flexibility, I think that as long as they are not infringing on anyone else, they're probably okay. Many people have their little rituals. So the autistic person may just have more of them or be more intensely attached to them.

So why did tea lead me to a discussion of ritualistic behavior? Well, my routine is totally off right now because the kids are home on break. And Gus had a nightmare and woke me up last night, so I'm also a little more tired than usual (and clearly into making lots of excuses for myself). So I began my tea ritual and then got distracted by getting the kids orange juice. The water boiled, I grabbed my teaspoon and dumped the first scoop of loose tea...right into the cup. I forgot the strainer. It wouldn't have been a problem if there wasn't all that sugar, Stevia and lemon juice at the bottom of the cup. Okay, sometimes the rituals don't really work out.

Do you see any of your autistic child's behaviors in yourself? Do either of you have any amusing rituals you follow?



P.S. This post may be a little rambling and distracted, but I'm posting it anyway. Why? Because posting to this blog is another one of my rituals! Have a great day!

Thursday Thankfulness: Autism Awareness Day

Here we are again. This Thursday came around pretty fast.

1. I am thankful that it is almost Spring Break for my kids. Although it means a little more work for me, it also means we can all relax a little and have some semblance of fun! I hope the weather cooperates!
   
2. I am thankful for all the family and friends who may have never understood anything about autism in the past, but who have made the effort to understand because they care so much for Gus. The list is pretty sizeable, but y'all know who you are. A couple of those friends shared this YouTube video with me entitled In My Language made by an autistic woman, SilentMiaOw. As one of those friends commented, "It is very humbling." Thanks to H and S for getting this to me!
   
3. I am thankful for the community of autism bloggers and advocates whom I've come across over the past year. As they can probably relate, it's not always easy to get to support groups. Having a community of people who 'get it' makes a huge difference. Some of my faves:
   

   Adonya Wong
   

   Mia
   

   Maddy
   

   Emily
   

   Mary
   

   Bonnie
   

   And by the way, Bonnie will be hosting the Gluten-Free Twitter Party tomorrow April 3 at 9am, 1pm and 7:30 pm PST. You might want to check that one out!
   

Please share your thankfulness and have a great (rest of the) day!

This Is Not a Prank Post!

Free Original Clipart at Designed to a T

I was really tempted to do an April Fool's prank post, but considering my topic, pretty much anything could have been seen as mean instead of funny, so I scrapped the idea. But my kids have given me more than enough laughter today, so I don't feel like I'm missing anything. Here are some of the highlights:

I hear Gus in the bathroom and then MM's door opens. "Gus. The house is going to explode!" A perfect mix of panic and disbelief infuses her voice through early morning coughs.

"What?" He's caught off guard.

"April Fool's!" They both laugh. I send DH to go check on the kids because I have a feeling someone forgot to put their shorts back on.

"Mommy wants to know what you want for breakfast: ketchup or syrup. She's making sauerkraut." Gus doesn't take the bait.

"Ketchup." He sounds serious and a little distracted, but I can hear the lopsided grin. DH is the one caught off guard this time, and then he gets it.

"Aah! You knew I was joking! Good one!" He goes to shower and I drag myself from the warm sheets. It's chilly. Gus has disappeared into his sister's room – possibly in search of those underpants that he's missing.

"Morning, MM," I say.

"Good morning, Mommy." She smiles.

"Ok, that's enough. I don't want to talk to you for the rest of the day." I turn to leave.

"What?" she cries.

I know she's very sensitive, so timing is everything. Too soon and the joke is diminished, but if I wait too long, she'll get upset. "April Fool's!" I spin around with a big grin. He mouth forms an 'O' and she cracks up.

Is anyone going to bother getting ready for school today, or will we just sit around playing lame pranks on each other all day? At this point it could go either way!

Gus comes back to his room and I remind him that he needs to put something on.

"Why are your pants green?" he asks. I could go easy on him, but he can take it if I'm not, unlike his sister. He loves a good joke. Whoever said Aspies have no sense of humor was clearly kidding and just forgot their punch line.

Gus finally finds his underpants. "Put your pants on now." He starts to put one leg in, and I get an idea. "Unless you don't want to. You can wear shorts today if you want." He looks at me, half skeptical, half wanting to believe, totally unsure.

"Why?" Good boy, don't get suckered that easily! This is a day to be on your guard, even with Mom!

"Because it's summer." I make it sound so obvious, and he goes for it. Gus rifles through his drawer looking for some shorts, which of course he will not find. "If you don't have any, though, you'll have to go to school in your underwear." He smirks.

"What happened to your shirt? It's gray…April Fool's! You thought your pants were green!" It is a good try.

"What do you mean? My pants are green. My shirt is black and my pants are green. You can't fool me." We both know my pants are blue plaid, but who's going to crack the smile first? We call that one a draw. There will be plenty more jokes this afternoon and Gus will be tickled by every one.

I've been listening to an audio version of Look Me In the Eye by John Elder Robison (check the sidebar). Robison wrote an amazing memoir of his life as a person with Asperger's Syndrome. One thing that strikes me is that he became quite the prankster at a pretty young age. Some of the jokes he played on people – even the authorities in his town according to one story – got quite elaborate.

Gus has a pretty wicked sense of humor most of the time. He's funnier when he's not trying. I think in a couple of years I'm going to have to start watching out for him on a day like today. He might just get me one of these days.

On a more serious note, today is World Autism Day – what are you doing to promote autism awareness? Have a great day and watch out for those pranksters!