Solo Outings

I generally avoid taking both kids out by myself (or letting anyone else do so) because it can be difficult to keep them from jetting off in different directions. Sometimes though it can't really be avoided. My husband had to be away for the day, and the kids had doctor appointments. Then it turned out to be a glorious day - how could I keep them cooped up? So after the appointments were done, we went to the beach. Here's how we managed:

Despite Gus's Asperger's syndrome, I've found that many basic parenting tricks work just fine with him.

• On the way to the doctor's office, I gave the kids a brief overview of what we were doing for the day. If they were good at the doctor's, we could go to the beach if the weather was nice. I was very specific about the possibility that we might not go to the beach under certain circumstances in order to preempt a tantrum if we couldn't go.
• At the doctor's office, I gave them specific expectations for behavior - no climbing around the exam room like maniacs, basically. They did just fine.
• When it came time for vaccinations, instead of having them both in the room for the shots, I took Gus out and let MM get hers first. They tend to amp each other up, but by separating them, MM had no one to perform for, and Gus didn't get extra freaked out by her antics. He was a little anxious, but after getting the shot said, "That didn't hurt." Surprise!
• On the way home, we revisited the plan, then went home for lunch. After giving them the option not to go, we packed everything up, changed into swimsuits and headed to the beach. In the car, I went over the beach rules and let them know that if they broke the rules, we'd go home immediately. One reason my kids behave pretty well for me instead of taking advantage of the double-team is that they know there are swift consequences for breaking rules. I'm pretty consistent with this, and I think that's made it possible for us to hang out together now.
• Since I only had limited hands to carry stuff, I left the beach toys home in order to make sure I could carry plenty of healthy snacks. I didn't go overboard, but sun and water make kids want to eat. And there are usually a million toys at the beach - no need to carry more in all honesty. In the past, I've left the door open for many a meltdown by not having ample snackage. Neither of them has ever had a fit over not having a shovel. I try not to make those mistakes at this stage of our lives.
• We got to the beach, which is small and usually not very crowded, early in the day, around 12:30. For obvious reasons, we avoid the really busy times, although today, it never got as packed as I've seen in the past.

The results? We spent an extremely pleasant 4 hours at the beach; the kids played with some other children (yes, even Gus came across a little girl who was persistent and patient); I got to relax for an afternoon with my kids! For the win!!

What strategies do you use to maintain order when taking multiple kids out? Have a great weekend!



Image by Kratanuva on Wikimedia Commons

Thankfulness...Day

Instead of making excuses every week for why I keep missing Thursdays, let's just agree that I'll post a thankfulness list at some point every week. Really, I don't want to keep boring you with my memory issues.

This week:

• I am thankful that although my husband contracted Lyme disease, he caught it very early and was being treated even before his blood work was back. It's nice when medical professionals are on the ball. In a similar vein, I am thankful that my friend J's doctors are also on the ball right now and hope that she gets a speedy resolution to the problems she's currently suffering. Here's to hoping they both feel much better very soon.
• I am thankful that my marriage will get to see its 10th anniversary tomorrow and that I'll get to see my *** birthday on Sunday! You didn't really think I'd be silly enough to post my age? Anyway, we're going camping (and packing LOTS of bug spray) this weekend to celebrate, so I'll be extra thankful if the sky decides not to spit on us.
• I am thankful that I have learned to exercise restraint, especially when people are picking on Gus. Snotty neighborhood kid felt the need to go out of his way to antagonize Gus, who was minding his business and riding his bike in a friend's parking lot while MM and a few other kids were playing with sidewalk chalk. Snotty rode up with another little boy (who never says anything to start trouble) and called something to Gus that I didn't hear. I gave him the benefit of the doubt that he was trying to get Gus to ride with them. Of course, Gus didn't respond in any typical way, and rode between then saying in a mock scared voice, "Aaah! Don't crash into me!" He was trying to play with them. Getting no response, he rode away. Now, Snotty could have just left it at that and gone on with his business. He could have even shook his head (it's not the first time Gus has exhibited confusing behavior) and kept his mouth shut. But no, instead he turns to the other kid and says, loudly enough for me & Gus to both hear, "What's wrong with Gus??" You know the tone. This, by the way, is the same kid who once asked Gus why he was crazy. He has absolutely no interest in being Gus's friend, and I know this because most of the time he acts like Gus isn't even there, just like all the other boys his age in the area.
  
  So, I didn't hurl a bike at the kid like some incredible She-Hulk. I walked over to him calmly and said, "Snotty,* you know I like you, but I heard what you said and if I hear you say something like that again about Gus, I'm going to tell your dad, because it's not nice." Not the strongest statement in the world, but he's only 8 -- I couldn't be but so harsh. And we both knew his dad would not be pleased to hear about that behavior. He knew he was wrong and honestly wasn't being completely respectful to me when I was speaking, but I didn't get all crazy about it. Hopefully, he'll heed the warning and just stay clear of my son. The dad would attempt to discipline, but the mom would just counter whatever dad does and further reinforce Snotty's behavior. I'd rather not have to spend the summer feuding with neighbors. We'll see what happens.

So that's our story this week. What are you thankful for? Have a great weekend, be safe and be healthy!



*Snotty's name has been changed to protect his identity, but also because I think it's a more appropriate name than his real one.

Getting a Cavity Filled

If you recall about a month ago, I posted about Gus's trip to a new dentist. I was less than thrilled, but I decided to keep his appointment to get his 3 cavities taken care of. Instead of worrying about the dentist's behavior, I decided to focus on him and preparing him for today's visit. I'll also focus this post of that aspect to spare you a venomous tirade about the dental industry.

I knew a couple of things going in: that they'd probably use nitrous, and that he'd likely be very grabby with the instruments once she started working on him. I wasn't so sure the nitrous would even work - he had a difficult time having anything over his nose when he had his ear tubes put in years ago. At least I had a starting point.

MM had been given one of the 'piggy noses' or nose masks that the nitrous is delivered through. So I made sure we practiced having the nose on and breathing with it. That way Gus wouldn't be too freaked out by it. He was only a little freaked out by it and eventually relaxed - there were other more pressing things to freak out about anyway.

Last night, we also had a talk about grabbing the dentists instruments and how it is dangerous to do that. So we discussed options if he needed her to stop for any reason. I gave him a hand signal, which he modified to his own taste, and we also discussed how he could use his words or sounds if he couldn't speak. This worked well for him despite the dentist telling him not to yell. It was either that or let him grab her hands, so I let him yell. There was a wedge in his mouth to keep it open, so it wasn't like he could move his jaw much.

He was in a rare belligerent mood and wasn't being all that polite to Dr. P. at a few points, but all things considered, he did rather well. I knew the vibration from the drill would be a problem for him and I explained that to her. She respected his wishes for breaks, to her credit, and once the drilling was finished he calmed down considerably. He didn't appreciate the taste of the amalgam, but once he learned that it was "Pokemon paint" he was mollified. Of course he had to demand that it was Sceptile Pokemon paint, but no one really felt the need to contradict him.

All in all, it could have been a million times worse than it was. I will probably still look for another dentist, but at least I know that Gus will be able to handle it.



*image of MM's practice bubble-gum-flavored "piggy nose."

The Autistic Child and Social Functions – Preparation is the Key to Success

Social functions can be a nightmare for parents of a child with autism (and for the child for that matter). But they don't have to be. With enough planning and preparation, your child can attend those functions with relatively few problems. Yesterday, we took Gus to an engagement party for a good friend of ours. I'll be honest – I had a knot in my stomach from last week until well after we had gotten to the party, which had about 50 or so people present and is usually a recipe for disaster. But he did just fine. Now, let me point out that Gus's age and the amount of education and behavioral training he's received for the last 6 years made a big difference. If we had taken him to a similar party 3 years ago, we would have had a much different experience. So the first thing to consider is where your child is developmentally. If you can realistically give your child a 50/50 chance of success, then go for it. But if you know your child is just really not ready to stretch his wings, maybe it's best to wait.

Know and Prepare the Environment

I almost never take Gus to places that are completely foreign to us. If we're going to a new place, like yesterday, I do some homework ahead of time to get an idea of what he can get into and what we'll be dealing with. We knew about how many people would be attending the party and that the number was likely more than he could manage, so a few conversations with our friend solved that problem. He very kindly agreed to set up a game system for Gus away from the party area so that Gus wouldn't be overwhelmed. We also knew that the area was not fenced in (we had to be on alert that he could elope very easily), and that there would be 2 dogs outside. This prior knowledge allowed us to plan for two major issues ahead of time. Our friend also let his family (our hosts) know about Gus's challenges, and that was a big help because there was less pressure on us about offending the hosts by being upstairs most of the time (for the most part one of us was at the party at any given time – more on that later). I think it was helpful for them as well because it took the guesswork out of why that little boy was holed up in that room, or why he kept running laps around the house before going back up to the room, or why we had to be so on-top of him. I have found that when we are up front with people about Gus's situation, they have tended to be understanding and helpful. Sometimes they still don't get it, but since our friend knows Gus pretty well, he knew exactly what we would be dealing with.

Prepare Yourself and Your Child

We did a few things to prep Gus about the party. For one thing, he had some choices about what we would bring for him and whether or not we'd go to soccer first or just skip it (we skipped). We gave him plenty of time to get used to the idea that there would be dogs and reassured him about that. On the trip there, as we usually do, we went over the rules and expectations. For ourselves, we made sure we had plenty of snacks, movies and games to keep him busy. We also use a sort of tag—team system for these situations to share the responsibility of watching the kids. You may have wondered where MM was in all this. Although she is 'neurotypical' we still prepare her the same way we prepare Gus. But she usually can be given a little more freedom, and she spent most of the party making friends with the other kids and playing outside. So we kept switching off – one of us would stay with Gus and the other would mingle and keep an eye on MM. Gus even ventured out several times to walk around and then went back to his game. Neither of us was being too rude and each got to enjoy the party a little.

Use the Objects of Obsession to Your Advantage

When deciding what to bring to keep Gus entertained it was really a no-brainer, but I'll mention it anyway. We brought a bunch of games, and our friend brought his Wii, but there was no way we were leaving the Pokémon games behind. We could have made the mistake of just letting Gus play whatever Wii games our friend had, but thankfully, we didn't. Gus got frustrated with the new games, and if that was all we had to work with, we would have had a major problem. With the Pokémon game, however, he was more than happy to play it for most of the 5 hours we were there (yes, you read that number right – I was surprised we lasted that long too). I was even able to leave him alone for a few minutes at a time to get him food or to check on the party.

Be Flexible and Know When to Call it Quits

For people on the spectrum, it can take more energy to regulate themselves that for the average person, and Gus is no different. We always have to be aware of when his reserves of self-control are starting to slip. What I've learned is that when I see those signs, we have to go and people just have to understand. We used to try to stay until at events until it was 'polite' to leave – usually after dessert, but that is a good way to ask for a meltdown. Better to cut the losses – people appreciate not having a scene much more than having you eat dessert, I think. As I mentioned before, Gus wanted to go outside every now and them and for the most part, he stuck to the rule of staying at the party. But when I saw that he didn't want to sit and eat, and then started wandering into the next property, I knew he was done. As much as I hate to 'eat and run' that's pretty much what we did, because he can lose it pretty quickly. By the time I was getting him to the car, he'd started struggling with me to start running around, and he'd stopped listening. Staying, at that point, would have been dumb on our parts (which I know from first hand experience).

Even the Way We Party Isn't Typical Anymore

So we've had to make some refinements to the way we socialize when we take the kid with us. We can't just go to a party and hang out with friends while the kids run around and entertain themselves. But whereas we used to just take them places and be miserable chasing after a very wound up Gus, we're learning how to make the situation more manageable for everyone. And as he grows and matures, he's able to handle more for longer periods of time. Yesterday, he even petted and played with the dogs once he saw how calm and well-behaved they were. It's gotten better. We're still not ready for Disney World, but give us another few years.

*painting by Albert Chevalier Tayler