Solo Outings

I generally avoid taking both kids out by myself (or letting anyone else do so) because it can be difficult to keep them from jetting off in different directions. Sometimes though it can't really be avoided. My husband had to be away for the day, and the kids had doctor appointments. Then it turned out to be a glorious day - how could I keep them cooped up? So after the appointments were done, we went to the beach. Here's how we managed:

Despite Gus's Asperger's syndrome, I've found that many basic parenting tricks work just fine with him.

• On the way to the doctor's office, I gave the kids a brief overview of what we were doing for the day. If they were good at the doctor's, we could go to the beach if the weather was nice. I was very specific about the possibility that we might not go to the beach under certain circumstances in order to preempt a tantrum if we couldn't go.
• At the doctor's office, I gave them specific expectations for behavior - no climbing around the exam room like maniacs, basically. They did just fine.
• When it came time for vaccinations, instead of having them both in the room for the shots, I took Gus out and let MM get hers first. They tend to amp each other up, but by separating them, MM had no one to perform for, and Gus didn't get extra freaked out by her antics. He was a little anxious, but after getting the shot said, "That didn't hurt." Surprise!
• On the way home, we revisited the plan, then went home for lunch. After giving them the option not to go, we packed everything up, changed into swimsuits and headed to the beach. In the car, I went over the beach rules and let them know that if they broke the rules, we'd go home immediately. One reason my kids behave pretty well for me instead of taking advantage of the double-team is that they know there are swift consequences for breaking rules. I'm pretty consistent with this, and I think that's made it possible for us to hang out together now.
• Since I only had limited hands to carry stuff, I left the beach toys home in order to make sure I could carry plenty of healthy snacks. I didn't go overboard, but sun and water make kids want to eat. And there are usually a million toys at the beach - no need to carry more in all honesty. In the past, I've left the door open for many a meltdown by not having ample snackage. Neither of them has ever had a fit over not having a shovel. I try not to make those mistakes at this stage of our lives.
• We got to the beach, which is small and usually not very crowded, early in the day, around 12:30. For obvious reasons, we avoid the really busy times, although today, it never got as packed as I've seen in the past.

The results? We spent an extremely pleasant 4 hours at the beach; the kids played with some other children (yes, even Gus came across a little girl who was persistent and patient); I got to relax for an afternoon with my kids! For the win!!

What strategies do you use to maintain order when taking multiple kids out? Have a great weekend!



Image by Kratanuva on Wikimedia Commons

Asperger's Q & A

A commenter had some questions for me, and instead of responding just in a comment, I thought I'd post the answer here in case anyone else was interested. I may do this periodically if anyone's got a question that requires more than a couple of lines of reply.

Q: How old was Gus when you found out about him? Did you know before he was born? I ask this because I don't know how you learned to be so good with handling him. Was it all learning as he aged?

A: Gus was about eighteen months old when we noticed that he wasn't taking much interest in other children. I'd pick him up from day care and see him at one end of the play yard while the rest of the class was at the opposite end. At home when we'd take him to the park, he'd always gravitate away from other children. That was what gave us the first inkling that something was different about him. However, he had sensitivities right from birth. He was always hyper-alert and extremely sensitive to noise. I'm sure plenty of people thought I was a complete, overprotective psycho the way I insisted on total silence when I was trying to get him to sleep, but it was necessary. He was always fidgety and in constant motion - it's largely the way he processes information. Things like fine motor development were delayed, but since he was my first child, I had no point of comparison. I didn't think of anything as 'problematic' until that toddler stage. Another thing that tipped us off around that time was that Gus had been acquiring language and vocabulary at a remarkable rate, but then he stopped for a while. That was the point when we started to see a lot of tantrums, and I started having trouble managing his behavior. But once he got into Early Intervention and was given some communication tools, the meltdowns became much less of an issue. So to answer that part of the question, we didn't know anything before Gus was born, there were signs almost immediately after he was born, but we didn't definitively know that he'd need some special help until he was about 2.

As for handling him (I'm not sure I always handle him so well), it's all been a learning process, and I've had a great deal of help. One thing that made a big difference for us was that my husband and I made the decision that I would spend the majority of my time at home with Gus (and later MM). This allowed me to really learn who he is and how to meet his needs. In addition to that, we've been very lucky with the professionals who have worked with Gus from teachers to pediatricians to therapists. When Gus was in his uncommunicative stage, a parent trainer (social worker from our school district) worked with me to help me manage my own reactions to his behavior. The support of family and friends has been a great help, and the network of autism bloggers I've come across over the past few years has been wonderful resource for information and support as well. So I can't take all the credit for learning how to deal with the challenges of Asperger's - it's been a real group effort, and I'm always refining my approach because my amazing boy changes constantly.

I hope that answers the question! If you have questions or would like to share similar experiences with your child, please feel free to chime in! Have a great weekend!

The Autistic Child and Social Functions – Preparation is the Key to Success

Social functions can be a nightmare for parents of a child with autism (and for the child for that matter). But they don't have to be. With enough planning and preparation, your child can attend those functions with relatively few problems. Yesterday, we took Gus to an engagement party for a good friend of ours. I'll be honest – I had a knot in my stomach from last week until well after we had gotten to the party, which had about 50 or so people present and is usually a recipe for disaster. But he did just fine. Now, let me point out that Gus's age and the amount of education and behavioral training he's received for the last 6 years made a big difference. If we had taken him to a similar party 3 years ago, we would have had a much different experience. So the first thing to consider is where your child is developmentally. If you can realistically give your child a 50/50 chance of success, then go for it. But if you know your child is just really not ready to stretch his wings, maybe it's best to wait.

Know and Prepare the Environment

I almost never take Gus to places that are completely foreign to us. If we're going to a new place, like yesterday, I do some homework ahead of time to get an idea of what he can get into and what we'll be dealing with. We knew about how many people would be attending the party and that the number was likely more than he could manage, so a few conversations with our friend solved that problem. He very kindly agreed to set up a game system for Gus away from the party area so that Gus wouldn't be overwhelmed. We also knew that the area was not fenced in (we had to be on alert that he could elope very easily), and that there would be 2 dogs outside. This prior knowledge allowed us to plan for two major issues ahead of time. Our friend also let his family (our hosts) know about Gus's challenges, and that was a big help because there was less pressure on us about offending the hosts by being upstairs most of the time (for the most part one of us was at the party at any given time – more on that later). I think it was helpful for them as well because it took the guesswork out of why that little boy was holed up in that room, or why he kept running laps around the house before going back up to the room, or why we had to be so on-top of him. I have found that when we are up front with people about Gus's situation, they have tended to be understanding and helpful. Sometimes they still don't get it, but since our friend knows Gus pretty well, he knew exactly what we would be dealing with.

Prepare Yourself and Your Child

We did a few things to prep Gus about the party. For one thing, he had some choices about what we would bring for him and whether or not we'd go to soccer first or just skip it (we skipped). We gave him plenty of time to get used to the idea that there would be dogs and reassured him about that. On the trip there, as we usually do, we went over the rules and expectations. For ourselves, we made sure we had plenty of snacks, movies and games to keep him busy. We also use a sort of tag—team system for these situations to share the responsibility of watching the kids. You may have wondered where MM was in all this. Although she is 'neurotypical' we still prepare her the same way we prepare Gus. But she usually can be given a little more freedom, and she spent most of the party making friends with the other kids and playing outside. So we kept switching off – one of us would stay with Gus and the other would mingle and keep an eye on MM. Gus even ventured out several times to walk around and then went back to his game. Neither of us was being too rude and each got to enjoy the party a little.

Use the Objects of Obsession to Your Advantage

When deciding what to bring to keep Gus entertained it was really a no-brainer, but I'll mention it anyway. We brought a bunch of games, and our friend brought his Wii, but there was no way we were leaving the Pokémon games behind. We could have made the mistake of just letting Gus play whatever Wii games our friend had, but thankfully, we didn't. Gus got frustrated with the new games, and if that was all we had to work with, we would have had a major problem. With the Pokémon game, however, he was more than happy to play it for most of the 5 hours we were there (yes, you read that number right – I was surprised we lasted that long too). I was even able to leave him alone for a few minutes at a time to get him food or to check on the party.

Be Flexible and Know When to Call it Quits

For people on the spectrum, it can take more energy to regulate themselves that for the average person, and Gus is no different. We always have to be aware of when his reserves of self-control are starting to slip. What I've learned is that when I see those signs, we have to go and people just have to understand. We used to try to stay until at events until it was 'polite' to leave – usually after dessert, but that is a good way to ask for a meltdown. Better to cut the losses – people appreciate not having a scene much more than having you eat dessert, I think. As I mentioned before, Gus wanted to go outside every now and them and for the most part, he stuck to the rule of staying at the party. But when I saw that he didn't want to sit and eat, and then started wandering into the next property, I knew he was done. As much as I hate to 'eat and run' that's pretty much what we did, because he can lose it pretty quickly. By the time I was getting him to the car, he'd started struggling with me to start running around, and he'd stopped listening. Staying, at that point, would have been dumb on our parts (which I know from first hand experience).

Even the Way We Party Isn't Typical Anymore

So we've had to make some refinements to the way we socialize when we take the kid with us. We can't just go to a party and hang out with friends while the kids run around and entertain themselves. But whereas we used to just take them places and be miserable chasing after a very wound up Gus, we're learning how to make the situation more manageable for everyone. And as he grows and matures, he's able to handle more for longer periods of time. Yesterday, he even petted and played with the dogs once he saw how calm and well-behaved they were. It's gotten better. We're still not ready for Disney World, but give us another few years.

*painting by Albert Chevalier Tayler

Manic Monday: Wet

prompt by Mo of Manic Monday - check it out!

So yesterday, we (meaning I) started painting the downstairs. Gus had asked if he could help, which I was happy to oblige. So he got to put some of the primer on a small section of the wall. He wasn't all that pleased when he got some wet paint from the roller on his hands. The project went pretty well. Here's three colors: the old color on the left, white primer in the middle, and the new color on the right.


It took pretty much all day to do the dining area, even with MM's help (Gus gave up after the primer). So after all that work, I'm a little...territorial about the walls, especially since the rest of the downstairs isn't finished yet. I certainly don't want nicks in the walls one day later. So maybe I should have put up some 'wet paint' tape across the area or something. It probably wasn't a wise decision to let Gus over there, especially during a homework semi-meltdown. And possibly, the metal chairs with the sharp corners will have to go. Yup; nice little nick in the wall already.


The trim, by the way is chocolate brown, not black. It looks warmer in person. It even looks sort of nice over there. The irony here is that I'm pushing myself to get the place painted and looking nice before his birthday because I thought it would be nice to invite a couple of his school friends over for a mini-party. I know he didn't mean any harm and probably didn't even notice the chair scraping the wall. I know he probably has no concept of what it is taking for me to get this painting done, or why it has to be done, or even that there's any connection between the painting and his 'party'. And yet, intellectually knowing all this, something as small as an almost imperceptible nick in a new paint job really got under my skin. Big things I can cope with. Why are the little things such destroyers of my sanity?

Thursday Thankfulness Remixed

This is my first Thursday Thankfulness in my new digs!

1. I am thankful for the support of certain friends and family that gave me the confidence to recreate my blog as an independent venture. I may fall flat on my face, but nothing tried, nothing gained, so here we are. In some ways (content, amount of posting) things are still the same, but the sense of freedom I'm feeling is kind of a rush right now.
   
2. I am thankful that Gus has improved a little in being able to tolerate a crowded environment slightly better than in the past. We went to a friend's 5-Year-Cancer-Survivor celebration last night. Gus managed to escape the house before we even got through the door, and he was all over the house like a caged cheetah. But he didn't end up lost or in their lake, and while he teetered on the edge of a meltdown, it never really manifested. We were able to be there for about an hour until we had to call it quits. It's still hard to take him to that type of gathering, but he's gotten better. Good enough for me.
   
3. I am thankful for the opportunity to guest post for my pal Mia of General Hysteria later this week (hopefully tomorrow or Saturday)! I've written about some of the pros and cons for siblings when one is on the spectrum and the other isn't. I hope you'll check it out and share your thoughts with us!
   

Please comment with your thankfulness today! Comments are moderated, so don't panic if you don't see yours right away. And if you subscribe to the comments, you can follow the discussion!