The Things He Gets Into

Crash!

"Daddy!"

Oh jeez, what now?

DH goes downstairs to see what the heck this boy is up to now. I hear a shout and decide not to go down there. Daddy seems to have everything under control, and I have a leaky toilet to deal with. Gus slumps back to his room. DH pokes his head into the bathroom. "He put a light bulb in the microwave." Good thing I stayed put.

I pass Gus's room on my way to check out the damage & our eyes catch. "I don't even want to say anything to you right now," I tell him. That will probably have a much bigger impact than losing the GameCube, Xbox and computer for 4 days. I don't need to yell. DH calms down quickly – he doesn't need to yell either. Gus is now flagellating himself.

He is upset and scared that he could have hurt himself. "Tell Gus to stop pretending he's dead!" MM comes and begs. He's taking 2 minutes too long, by her count, to be upset, and he should have given into her cheering-up attempts already. I go sweep up blue-tinted glass. I'm glad he didn't go for something equally intriguing like a battery or one of the CFLs.

Later we ask what he was thinking – a dumb question. It often seems that Gus doesn't think before acting, but that's not right. The real problem is that his brand of logic is only logical within his own personal universe, the one where you can save energy by cooking a light bulb, because they don't explode in his microwaves.

The rest of the night doesn't get any better. He wakes up around midnight, disturbed by something he refuses to share. (I later learn that it was "maybe" a nightmare about being eaten by a hawk.) Around 4:30, due to our sleepless misfortune (MM is having a bad night too), the power goes out and wakes him again. This time, he thinks he's somehow caused the blackout. I briefly explain that it's raining and has nothing to do with him before stumbling back to bed for the third? fourth? time.

I hope that today is less…experimental than yesterday. And if it has to be experimental, I hope the experiments are less dangerous.

Those Dreaded Questions

Hello readers! We've been out of contact for a little while for various reasons including a camping vacation. Life is starting to settle back into a routine as school approaches.

Speaking of school, we all know that the time will come when our children will have questions about topics that I, for one, don't particularly want to have to answer. Death, sex, why am I so different from everyone else...who actually looks forward to informing their kids about these things? Maybe lots of people look forward to these discussions, but I'm not one of them. Last night after Gus's bath this was the conversation that took place:

"What are these called?"

"Those are called testicles."

"What's in them?"

"Hmm...you know, that's really a good question for you to ask Daddy, since he has them too!...Daddy!"

Yeah, call me a wuss. I totally punked out of that one. So, DH came in and Gus started asking questions, that went fine until DH explained that testicles are involved with reproduction, "making babies," he clarified. "There are seeds in them."

"But I thought only women carried babies in their tummies."

"Uhh..."

At that point I had a compulsion to read MM her bedtime story and got out of there as soon as my legs would carry me. It's a good thing I remembered to open the door first or else I would have looked like a Loony Toon (but perhaps I looked that way anyway).

Later, I asked DH how he handled the questions. Apparently, Gus was pretty satisfied with testicles being some sort of seed machine and moved on to asking what was in his knee joints and where rashes come from. Maybe there isn't a need to panic just yet, but I've had a gentle reminder that the day is coming sooner than I thought. I'd better start getting some answers ready.

How have you handled, or how do you plan to handle, those uncomfortable topics with your child?

Solo Outings

I generally avoid taking both kids out by myself (or letting anyone else do so) because it can be difficult to keep them from jetting off in different directions. Sometimes though it can't really be avoided. My husband had to be away for the day, and the kids had doctor appointments. Then it turned out to be a glorious day - how could I keep them cooped up? So after the appointments were done, we went to the beach. Here's how we managed:

Despite Gus's Asperger's syndrome, I've found that many basic parenting tricks work just fine with him.

• On the way to the doctor's office, I gave the kids a brief overview of what we were doing for the day. If they were good at the doctor's, we could go to the beach if the weather was nice. I was very specific about the possibility that we might not go to the beach under certain circumstances in order to preempt a tantrum if we couldn't go.
• At the doctor's office, I gave them specific expectations for behavior - no climbing around the exam room like maniacs, basically. They did just fine.
• When it came time for vaccinations, instead of having them both in the room for the shots, I took Gus out and let MM get hers first. They tend to amp each other up, but by separating them, MM had no one to perform for, and Gus didn't get extra freaked out by her antics. He was a little anxious, but after getting the shot said, "That didn't hurt." Surprise!
• On the way home, we revisited the plan, then went home for lunch. After giving them the option not to go, we packed everything up, changed into swimsuits and headed to the beach. In the car, I went over the beach rules and let them know that if they broke the rules, we'd go home immediately. One reason my kids behave pretty well for me instead of taking advantage of the double-team is that they know there are swift consequences for breaking rules. I'm pretty consistent with this, and I think that's made it possible for us to hang out together now.
• Since I only had limited hands to carry stuff, I left the beach toys home in order to make sure I could carry plenty of healthy snacks. I didn't go overboard, but sun and water make kids want to eat. And there are usually a million toys at the beach - no need to carry more in all honesty. In the past, I've left the door open for many a meltdown by not having ample snackage. Neither of them has ever had a fit over not having a shovel. I try not to make those mistakes at this stage of our lives.
• We got to the beach, which is small and usually not very crowded, early in the day, around 12:30. For obvious reasons, we avoid the really busy times, although today, it never got as packed as I've seen in the past.

The results? We spent an extremely pleasant 4 hours at the beach; the kids played with some other children (yes, even Gus came across a little girl who was persistent and patient); I got to relax for an afternoon with my kids! For the win!!

What strategies do you use to maintain order when taking multiple kids out? Have a great weekend!



Image by Kratanuva on Wikimedia Commons

Thankfulness...Day

Instead of making excuses every week for why I keep missing Thursdays, let's just agree that I'll post a thankfulness list at some point every week. Really, I don't want to keep boring you with my memory issues.

This week:

• I am thankful that although my husband contracted Lyme disease, he caught it very early and was being treated even before his blood work was back. It's nice when medical professionals are on the ball. In a similar vein, I am thankful that my friend J's doctors are also on the ball right now and hope that she gets a speedy resolution to the problems she's currently suffering. Here's to hoping they both feel much better very soon.
• I am thankful that my marriage will get to see its 10th anniversary tomorrow and that I'll get to see my *** birthday on Sunday! You didn't really think I'd be silly enough to post my age? Anyway, we're going camping (and packing LOTS of bug spray) this weekend to celebrate, so I'll be extra thankful if the sky decides not to spit on us.
• I am thankful that I have learned to exercise restraint, especially when people are picking on Gus. Snotty neighborhood kid felt the need to go out of his way to antagonize Gus, who was minding his business and riding his bike in a friend's parking lot while MM and a few other kids were playing with sidewalk chalk. Snotty rode up with another little boy (who never says anything to start trouble) and called something to Gus that I didn't hear. I gave him the benefit of the doubt that he was trying to get Gus to ride with them. Of course, Gus didn't respond in any typical way, and rode between then saying in a mock scared voice, "Aaah! Don't crash into me!" He was trying to play with them. Getting no response, he rode away. Now, Snotty could have just left it at that and gone on with his business. He could have even shook his head (it's not the first time Gus has exhibited confusing behavior) and kept his mouth shut. But no, instead he turns to the other kid and says, loudly enough for me & Gus to both hear, "What's wrong with Gus??" You know the tone. This, by the way, is the same kid who once asked Gus why he was crazy. He has absolutely no interest in being Gus's friend, and I know this because most of the time he acts like Gus isn't even there, just like all the other boys his age in the area.
  
  So, I didn't hurl a bike at the kid like some incredible She-Hulk. I walked over to him calmly and said, "Snotty,* you know I like you, but I heard what you said and if I hear you say something like that again about Gus, I'm going to tell your dad, because it's not nice." Not the strongest statement in the world, but he's only 8 -- I couldn't be but so harsh. And we both knew his dad would not be pleased to hear about that behavior. He knew he was wrong and honestly wasn't being completely respectful to me when I was speaking, but I didn't get all crazy about it. Hopefully, he'll heed the warning and just stay clear of my son. The dad would attempt to discipline, but the mom would just counter whatever dad does and further reinforce Snotty's behavior. I'd rather not have to spend the summer feuding with neighbors. We'll see what happens.

So that's our story this week. What are you thankful for? Have a great weekend, be safe and be healthy!



*Snotty's name has been changed to protect his identity, but also because I think it's a more appropriate name than his real one.

It's Duck Season...No, It's Wabbit Season...No, It's Tick Season

What's more fun than a barrel of rage-infected monkeys? Trying to remove a very large, very gross, very embedded, and very engorged tick from your very panicky autistic child. And for extra laughs, try doing it in a supermarket parking lot.

Yesterday, my poor Gus found a huge tick behind his right ear. He seemed to feel it suddenly and started scratching at it as we were getting in the car to leave the supermarket. One look told me that it had been there at least since the day before, and that's really the only time he could have gotten it. Of course, I panicked because, well: supermarket parking lot, kid picking at nasty bug, twenty minute ride home...take your pick of bad situational elements.

After dragging the kids through the parking lot trying to find someone with tweezers, I finally went back into the supermarket and a lovely clerk gave me a pair. I took Gus outside (with MM in tow, bless her little heart, she was so good about it) and with him screaming bloody murder, I managed to rip the thing apart and leave the head embedded. In other words, exactly what I was not supposed to do. It's kind of hard to remember all the rules in the midst of a panic, especially when you don't know the rules to begin with. I sort of half knew them, but with him twisting and writhing (and the nice people in the parking lot staring like I was ripping his head off instead of the bug's) just as I grabbed the head, Gus jerked and...pop, squish, off came the body without the head.

The good news is that the tiny deer ticks are usually the lyme carriers, but this isn't set in stone, so we will still watch for the signs of lyme: fever, fatigue, rash (can appear as long as 6-8 weeks from the time of the bite), etc.

From what I've learned, the most important thing is to not squeeze the tick because that makes it inject more (potentially infected) muck into the site. To remove a tick, if tweezers are the only thing available (preferably splinter tweezers), you've got to get the head and pull back gently to avoid breaking the tick and getting the head stuck in the skin, which can lead to infection. The head itself won't transmit lyme, but infection is still not really desirable. There are apparently devices, available in pet stores, for removing ticks that are supposed to be more effective than tweezers:

Commercially available tick-removal devices include the Sawyer Tick Pliers (B&A Products, Bunch, Okla.), Pro-Tick Remedy (SCS Limited, Stony Point, N.Y.) and Ticked Off (Ticked Off Inc., Dover, N.H.)*

From American Family Physician

Methods to avoid include hot matches, vaseline, clear nail polish or nail polish remover to get the tick to dislodge. Those tend to make the little bloodsuckers dig in deeper and, you guessed it, squirt more nasty fluids.

Two preventative measures to take against these critters are to use insect repellent regularly, which can be difficult with a child who has sensory defensiveness to smells, and to perform tick checks. I've tried several formulas for Gus that he has absolutely hated. Aside from the odors, he doesn't like being sprayed with things. I'm next going to try a natural lemon and eucalyptus repellent (doesn't have a very strong smell). Bed, Bath and Beyond used to sell insect repellent bracelets (they looked like small coils) but I found those to be ineffective, and the kids would just play with them and take them off anyway. There are wipes to use for kids who dislike sprays.

During this time of year, especially if you live in a grassy, woody area where ticks are prevalent,you should check for ticks carefully every day. Spending a lot of time outdoors isn't a requirement for getting a tick - MM has had them jump her when she was just passing by a bush as soon as we left our house. (I caught that little bugger before he could attach himself.) She hadn't even made it to the grass and was still on the concrete path. We usually check every night, but it's not hard to miss something that small - do your best and be sure to check between toes, hairline, behind the ears, armpits and groin area.

Gus is fine now and I'm fairly certain we were able to get the rest of the tick dislodged from his skin. Be careful out there - the bugs seems to be particularly numerous this year. For us, we're going to try one of those tick removing devices very soon. This happened just in time for us to go camping! Keep your fingers crossed for us!

How to Get Your Asperger’s Child to Give up That Loose Tooth

Gus has a few loose teeth, but there was one that was sticking out and was clearly ready to come out. When it finally got to the point of hanging by a threadlike piece of skin, even he wanted it out lest he accidentally swallow it. There was a sort of approach-avoidance thing happening. "Ok, pull it out…No! Leave it alone!" On and on it went, delaying the much longed for (by me, not him) bedtime. DH wanted me to just leave it be, but there was also the problem of Gus having field day the following day – wouldn't want it knocked out on the field, now would we? So we had to do something drastic. Here's the process that worked for me:

1. Repeatedly assure your child that he can certainly leave the tooth in, especially when he insists he wants it out. Never underestimate the power of reverse psychology.
   
2. Try an easy method of tooth removal first, like plucking out with your fingers. This can accomplish two things – first you can see just how ready the tooth is to come out an second, you can subtly loosen it a little more until your child screams again to leave the tooth in.
   
3. Make lots of jokes and then pull out something really scary, like pliers. Tell your child to keep his eyes closed (he won't) and then grasp the tooth with the pliers. Do not pull! The tooth may come out, but not likely. Your child may think you're nuts and then (hopefully) will find it silly once you start laughing it off.
   
4. Offer to use a string to pluck it out. For the child with sensory defensiveness, of course, this will not fly, but best to get all the options on the table, especially the ones you know are absolutely not going to work.
   
5. Go brush teeth. The tooth will pop out like a hot kernel of corn. Your child won't even notice. He'll be too busy making sure you're not hiding pliers behind your back!
   
6. Oh, and remember to take care of all tooth-fairy business as soon as possible! The worst is to forget and have your child confront you before dawn in the morning!
   

In all seriousness, I've now found that tooth brushing seems to be a fairly painless and easy way to get stubborn loose teeth out. How do you get your child's teeth out when they are ready? Or do you just leave them alone?

P.S. Just to be clear, I wasn't actually terrorizing my son - there was a great deal of laughing and silliness going on at the time.

Image from cksinfo.com

Note to Dentists about Your Asperger's Patients

I was hesitant to post today because few things put me in a worse mood than the dentist. I was hopeful about taking Gus to see this new dentist because she'd seen MM recently and all went well. Unfortunately, I think I need to head back to square one again. It wasn't an earth-shatteringly bad visit, I was just not feeling the warm fuzzies when Gus got out of the chair. Here's why:

Dear New Dentist:

First, just because you have had one or two patients on the autism spectrum, that does not make you an expert on autism. Every kid is different. My son does not need to be restrained because he is anxious - that will just make him fight you. Second, when a child is freaking out about a sharp, pointy object near his mouth, shouting at him isn't helpful. Perhaps putting down said sharp, pointy object would be a good idea, especially if you are just counting his teeth. How would you feel if I started absentmindedly jabbing a foreign pointy object near your face? Also, are you aware that the electric toothbrush can send a very irritating tickle straight through a person's skull, especially when that person has hypersensitivity in their mouth? Ease up and let the kid scratch his nose - what's the big deal? If you didn't insist on holding onto your security-sharp-pointy-object, maybe it wouldn't have been such a danger?

Nitrous gas is not the answer to every kid's anxiety. Some kids are made more uneasy by the sensation of losing control. You'd get a lot further with my son if you would just listen to what I'm telling you works; after all, I live with him and get in there to brush his teeth every day. He doesn't like it, but he tolerates it. Is it possible I know something you don't, even if I don't have the framed degree on the wall?

Another thing: I'm trying to teach my son basic dental hygiene - straight teeth are really not a concern at the moment! I am well aware that he has shark teeth. I'm not interested in discussing his need for braces. I heard you the first time you said it - no need to repeat yourself. Crooked teeth are not the end of the world. We've got more pressing issues - like finding a dentist who doesn't make me want to rip their teeth out.

Clearly, you are not really interested in working with my child the way he needs, so maybe just say so and don't waste my time? Is it so difficult to put on a DVD of something soothing instead of Disney channel? I'll even bring the DVD! My child responds to a slow, patient approach with minimal sensory stimulation. If that other mom is okay with you restraining her child or being 'stern' with him, that's her business. That doesn't fly with my guy.

Maybe I was spoiled by our last dentist who, by the way, managed to extract two of Gus's teeth without the slightest agitation and without using gas. He was awesome, although he's on my black list too for just walking out of the practice and abandoning his little patients. But he kept the lights in the room low, had very little noise (no raucous kid shows) and showed an underwater aquarium. He spoke softly and moved slowly, letting Gus know each step of the way what was coming. Nothing state-of-the-art or revolutionary. Imagine that. As a matter of fact, I have half a mind to track that guy down even if we do have to travel two hours to see him. I see disaster ahead if I let you take care of my son's cavity.

Not really trusting you with my son,



Do you have a dentist who can treat your autistic child without a lot of grief? What do they do that you appreciate? What do you wish they'd do differently?

Asperger's Q & A

A commenter had some questions for me, and instead of responding just in a comment, I thought I'd post the answer here in case anyone else was interested. I may do this periodically if anyone's got a question that requires more than a couple of lines of reply.

Q: How old was Gus when you found out about him? Did you know before he was born? I ask this because I don't know how you learned to be so good with handling him. Was it all learning as he aged?

A: Gus was about eighteen months old when we noticed that he wasn't taking much interest in other children. I'd pick him up from day care and see him at one end of the play yard while the rest of the class was at the opposite end. At home when we'd take him to the park, he'd always gravitate away from other children. That was what gave us the first inkling that something was different about him. However, he had sensitivities right from birth. He was always hyper-alert and extremely sensitive to noise. I'm sure plenty of people thought I was a complete, overprotective psycho the way I insisted on total silence when I was trying to get him to sleep, but it was necessary. He was always fidgety and in constant motion - it's largely the way he processes information. Things like fine motor development were delayed, but since he was my first child, I had no point of comparison. I didn't think of anything as 'problematic' until that toddler stage. Another thing that tipped us off around that time was that Gus had been acquiring language and vocabulary at a remarkable rate, but then he stopped for a while. That was the point when we started to see a lot of tantrums, and I started having trouble managing his behavior. But once he got into Early Intervention and was given some communication tools, the meltdowns became much less of an issue. So to answer that part of the question, we didn't know anything before Gus was born, there were signs almost immediately after he was born, but we didn't definitively know that he'd need some special help until he was about 2.

As for handling him (I'm not sure I always handle him so well), it's all been a learning process, and I've had a great deal of help. One thing that made a big difference for us was that my husband and I made the decision that I would spend the majority of my time at home with Gus (and later MM). This allowed me to really learn who he is and how to meet his needs. In addition to that, we've been very lucky with the professionals who have worked with Gus from teachers to pediatricians to therapists. When Gus was in his uncommunicative stage, a parent trainer (social worker from our school district) worked with me to help me manage my own reactions to his behavior. The support of family and friends has been a great help, and the network of autism bloggers I've come across over the past few years has been wonderful resource for information and support as well. So I can't take all the credit for learning how to deal with the challenges of Asperger's - it's been a real group effort, and I'm always refining my approach because my amazing boy changes constantly.

I hope that answers the question! If you have questions or would like to share similar experiences with your child, please feel free to chime in! Have a great weekend!

Thankful It's Thursday

Because that means tomorrow is Friday! I had my post all mapped out in my head, and I really should have written it first thing this morning. But fear not - I think I can capture the essence of what I am thankful for today!

1. I am thankful that my sister-in-law and brother-in-law have safely completed their trek up Machu Picchu! I would have never told them before they left, but I was a little worried. Fortunately for me, I have learned to keep a lid on my anxiety over other people's activities, especially my own kids'. I'm sure many parents can relate to that!

How many times do we watch our kids doing something that we would swear is nothing short of lethal (like getting on the school bus in the morning) and swallow all our fears lest we raise a paranoid kid? The parenting manual said two paranoid people per family is the standard allowance. As our kids get older, and their activities get more dangerous (no way am I ever allowing my kids behind the wheel of anything bigger than a Tonka truck), it gets harder to keep our doom-mongering to ourselves, but we do it anyway. Last night I told my daughter I'd be walking her to the bus stop when she's a grown-up (she thought I was joking). And here's how I envision life with Gus a few short years from now:

My words: Maybe you should do that outside in case it spills? And put down some newspaper...remember to clean up when you're done! Have fun, honey!
My thoughts: He's going to mix those things together, blow up the neighborhood, and Boom! here comes the zombie apocalypse. And I just swept!

His words: I said I'd clean up, Mom! Stop nagging!
His thought: She probably thinks I'm going to cause a zombie apocalypse or something. I wonder if that could happen? Nah, she would have said something. Can't have zombies eating Mom's brains - who'd clean up the mess? What did those instructions say again?

I give the parentals-in-law lots of credit for not stifling SIL's adventurous spirit. Despite some mishaps, which apparently included a monsoon, the world travellers are safely in a Peruvian hotel chillin' out. Yay!

2. I am thankful for laughter and for things that make my kids laugh because kid laughter is just the best. Last night I was reading Gus a book about the Klondike Gold Rush [Gold in the Hills: A tale of the Klondike Gold Rush (Time Spies) by Candace Ransom], and some of the characters had some pretty hilarious names like Old Pancake and Blueberry Pete. Of course, any eight-year-old boy worth his salt will crumble into gales of giggles over names like that. Laughs before bed are always a good deal! I've decided that Gus will have to be renamed Pokemon Gus and I think I will probably end up with a name like Old Chocolate Chip.

3. I am thankful for Gus's art teacher! He came home yesterday with some amazing artwork

including a kente cloth he made, a stained glass painting and a Cezanne styled, textured landscape made (I think) on a plastic bag, which is going to have to go in a frame. Since Gus never draws or paints or anything at home (his choice) I never realized just how talented he is artistically. She's done a great job in bringing that out in him!

What are you thankful for today? Share it here in a comment and have a great day!



Disclosure: This post contains an affiliate link.

Thursday Thankfulness

I know it looks like I've been slacking, and that's probably because I have. After being cooped up for the fall and winter (which to me all equates to 'winter' once it drops below 40 degrees) I've been like a big kid, wanting to be out in the open air as much as possible. So you'll probably notice that I've only been posting a few times a week. That'll change come the fall, but I will definitely keep up my Thursdays - they're good for morale! This week I am thankful for:

My tomato plant which is not only still alive after the transplanting, but growing at a frightful rate! I would have felt awful if I'd killed it. Now we just have to figure out what to do when it starts to reach the ceiling, as my father-in-law wisely pointed out. I'm envisioning some sort of Jack and the Beanstalk-esque post coming before the end of the summer.

I am thankful that Gus's field trip was a success! Monday, we went on an epic journey, to the wilds of Queens, NY to see a production of Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day. Originally, the whole family was going to attend the trip, but MM decided to stay home with her dad instead of taking the 2+ hour bus ride each way. So I had the rare chance to spend some time with Gus. The show was a blast. I never got the name of the actress who was playing Alexander, but I have to say it was exhausting just watching her. She never stood still for a second on the stage - I've never seen an adult with that much energy (and living with my husband, that's saying quite a bit)! And she had to sing! I don't know how she didn't pass out, but she was amazing. The show held lots of laughs and was totally worth the ride. The trip back was entertaining for me as well. At one point, Gus was seated behind his friend who is also a Pokemon expert. I had brought one of Gus's Pokemon encyclopedias to keep him from getting too antsy on the trip. The boy in front started passing back notes about the Pokemon DS game and then would ask Gus to turn to a specific Pokemon in the book and then pass the book through that space between the window and the seat. Then I'd hear, "Aw, that one looks great!" or something similar. This went on for well over half an hour. Hilarious! More importantly, I got to see Gus bonding with a friend. Priceless.

I am thankful that it's nice out so that I can go for a bike ride as soon as I finish this post. One thing I've noticed is that I've got a lot more patience when I a) do something for myself once in a while and b) get exercise c) get out of the house. It seems like this should be so simple as to be unworthy of mentioning, but any parent, especially those who work from home, can attest that it is often hard to pull yourself away and trust that the world won't stop turning when you stop turning the crank. I'm still not convinced, but the sun is out and telling me to be a little selfish. So if the world stops because I'm not sitting at my computer working, or doing laundry, or any of the other 3,950,242,538,408 things I need to do in the next hour...blame it on the sun. I'm out of here!

What are you thankful for today?